What is ROCD (relationship OCD)?
What if, what if, what if. Usually what follows these two words is something bad. What if I lose my job? What if my partner stops loving me? What if I get sick? The list can be endless. But why is it always negative? Why don’t we ever question what if it all works out? Usually, it is due to our (often disproportional) fear of disappointment. Don’t get me wrong, disappointment sucks, but is it truly the worst thing we can experience? I would argue no.
How many times have you heard (or maybe said yourself) that “I don’t want to get my hopes up”. Why? Because we don’t want to feel disappointed. Is feeling disappointed worse than never experiencing the feeling of hope? Is the feeling of a broken heart worse than never experiencing love? Is the feeling of grief worse than never experiencing the warmth, love, and joy of close relationships? In the moment of experiencing grief, heartache, or disappointment, these statements might feel true, but we know that they are not. Because we keep doing them! We keep loving, living, and dreaming knowing full well the risks. Don’t let the fear of disappointment rob you of hope.
Anxiety likes to tell us that if we prepare ourselves for the worst-case scenario that it will be easier for us when/if that worst-case scenario happens. Not true. An example I like to give my clients (because most of them know my obsessive love for my dogs): If I spend every day thinking about how heartbreaking it will be when my dog dies, when the day finally comes, will I not feel any pain? No. It is still going to hurt like hell and I would argue that I experienced MORE pain by spending so much time thinking about (preparing for) this painful moment. Wasted energy that I could have spent enjoying and loving on my sweet pup.
Preparing for the worst typically does not help soften the blow if the worst actually happens. There’s no need to waste energy on avoiding disappointment or preparing for every bad thing that could potentially happen. We control so little of what happens to us. Don’t let anxiety fool you into thinking you have more control than you do. Experience hope. I promise you it is worth the risk. When you find yourself spiraling down the “what if” hill, ask yourself, what if it all goes right? There’s an equal chance right?
